Do you have a Japanese friend?
Some time ago (June), the author of a blog that I follow and personally like a lot wrote an article about a simple question, that foreigners living in Japan are asked every now and then.
"Do you have a Japanese friend?"
Such a simple question, yet so complicated to answer...
That's because, as Caruso (the author) mentioned, it depends on your referential of what's a "friend", especially when you go between diferent cultures.
His point was that, basically, if you consider a friend from a "Japanese (culture's)" point of view he has Japanese friends, but from the "Brazilian (culture's)" point of view he has not. Nevertheless, it is not a bad thing. He doesn't have the right or even the capacity to turn them into friends according to his native perspective, especially since he is in Japan. One can be good friends with Japanese people if one hold one's expectations closer to the local standard.
What are those diffrerences? For example, even with the closest Japanese friends, the senpai-kouhai system still shows up. If they started with a difference in rankings or age, that difference will probably never disappear doesn't matter how close they become. In Brazil, depending on the occasion it is possible to ask for one's boss (or professor) to go out for a drink just like a regular friend.
In general, Japanese care about politeness and manners even between friends. Brazilians care more about sincerity and loyalty; and have a tendency to get "too close, too fast". I've heard from Japanese and Chinese friends that Brazilians may often hug, kiss and have other liberties in man-woman friendships that make it hard to distinguish if they are a couple or just friends.
A last detail that was mentioned in a comment in the original post that I also noticed: Japanese who leave Japan for a while become more "relaxed" in friendships while in the foreign country, but many resume at least partially the "usual behavior" after returning to Japan.
(Note: of course, as in any country there are different kinds of people, obviously in Japan it is also possible to find someone who adheres more to the "Latin" style of friendship or any other. But those people are unusual inside the society.)
Me? I was lucky enough to have met Japanese friends in Himeji which whom I could be more like myself. In Kyoto, there are also those who are friends a little beyond the meaning in the Japanese (culture) way. That may be because they are still students, or because some are from an international exchange group. There was a time that I avoided people that wanted to be my friends because I'm a foreigner. Now at least I have to admit that, since my Brazilian background is a part of me, there's no reason to rebuff those people right away. I'll do that if our connection keeps based only on that point, though.
Nevertheless, I still have to admit that in general I feel more confortable around other foreign students and the Brazilian group in special. But that's probably because it is a group with more things in common with me, as my background is still essentially Brazilian. Maybe if I stay in a different country for years that might change. More then nationality, the common things you share with people around you define your affinity with them.
"Do you have a Japanese friend?"
Such a simple question, yet so complicated to answer...
That's because, as Caruso (the author) mentioned, it depends on your referential of what's a "friend", especially when you go between diferent cultures.
His point was that, basically, if you consider a friend from a "Japanese (culture's)" point of view he has Japanese friends, but from the "Brazilian (culture's)" point of view he has not. Nevertheless, it is not a bad thing. He doesn't have the right or even the capacity to turn them into friends according to his native perspective, especially since he is in Japan. One can be good friends with Japanese people if one hold one's expectations closer to the local standard.
What are those diffrerences? For example, even with the closest Japanese friends, the senpai-kouhai system still shows up. If they started with a difference in rankings or age, that difference will probably never disappear doesn't matter how close they become. In Brazil, depending on the occasion it is possible to ask for one's boss (or professor) to go out for a drink just like a regular friend.
In general, Japanese care about politeness and manners even between friends. Brazilians care more about sincerity and loyalty; and have a tendency to get "too close, too fast". I've heard from Japanese and Chinese friends that Brazilians may often hug, kiss and have other liberties in man-woman friendships that make it hard to distinguish if they are a couple or just friends.
A last detail that was mentioned in a comment in the original post that I also noticed: Japanese who leave Japan for a while become more "relaxed" in friendships while in the foreign country, but many resume at least partially the "usual behavior" after returning to Japan.
(Note: of course, as in any country there are different kinds of people, obviously in Japan it is also possible to find someone who adheres more to the "Latin" style of friendship or any other. But those people are unusual inside the society.)
Me? I was lucky enough to have met Japanese friends in Himeji which whom I could be more like myself. In Kyoto, there are also those who are friends a little beyond the meaning in the Japanese (culture) way. That may be because they are still students, or because some are from an international exchange group. There was a time that I avoided people that wanted to be my friends because I'm a foreigner. Now at least I have to admit that, since my Brazilian background is a part of me, there's no reason to rebuff those people right away. I'll do that if our connection keeps based only on that point, though.
Nevertheless, I still have to admit that in general I feel more confortable around other foreign students and the Brazilian group in special. But that's probably because it is a group with more things in common with me, as my background is still essentially Brazilian. Maybe if I stay in a different country for years that might change. More then nationality, the common things you share with people around you define your affinity with them.
2 comments:
I have a slightly different view of what I consider a "friend" - which does not depend on politeness or how many beers/hugs I share with a person:
If something bad happens to me, can I go to this person, share this problem, and expect him/her to help me?
If something bad happens to that person, does he know that he can count on me and ask me for my help?
Of course, the answer to those questions is not necessarely binary, but fuzzy, but the closer they get to "one", the more I consider that person a friend.
Under this point of view, I don't really think I have any japanese friends.
"The true friend is the one who appears not when everything is fine, but when it isn't", right? My point of view is relatively close.
As you said, the answer is quite fuzzy. My previous examples, I can/could go to some people if I were/had been in trouble... depending on the matter involved.
But you said something interesting, a true friend may also come to you for help. In THAT point I have to agree with you. I don't have any Japanese friends.
Still, I don't see many Japanese friends doing it often even among themselves (I may be in the wrong circles, though). In that case, it all comes back to what is a "friend". I may have friends acording to the local criteria, although none according to my own.
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